"plural etiquette questionnaire"

2021-11-06

There’s this page we found a while back called the Plural Etiquette Questionnaire. It’s this series of questions to provide an at-a-glance overview about how to interact with a system as a whole. Vera thought it would be neat to fill it out, since some of this “overview”-style information isn’t all neatly collected together, otherwise.

What do you go by collectively?
- In plural settings, we tend to go by the name “Echo”, or a username that’s a variant of “crystal cave echo”. We have a soft preference against filling it out to “Echo system”; if we ever need to be credited for anything in a systems context, we’d rather it just be “Echo”.
  
  As a unit, we use the singular “she/her” pronoun: “Talk to Echo, she might know more about that.”
  
  Face-to-face, we would rather go by our “singlet name”, if you know us from other contexts. We may revisit this if we’re in a specifically-plural gathering of some kind.
How should people refer to you? Individual members when possible? Collectively?
- Since we’re more of a median system, distinguishing an individual member only makes sense when one of us has had a specific influence on an action or statement. In that case, feel free to note the individual character; otherwise, the collective name may make more sense.
What terminology do you use? Are there terms you prefer, or dislike?
- For ourselves, we tend to refer to individual members as “characters”, though “members” or “headmates” also work fine. We’re not a particularly disordered or medicalized system, so terms with that etymology like “alters” won’t sit right. Collectively, we just refer to ourselves as a “system”.
  
  We haven’t refined our experience down enough to have settled on more individualized terminology past that point.
What members are people likely to encounter?
- Our character list is on the Q&A page. Vera is the one you’re most likely to encounter, day-to-day.
Will people be interacting with any child members? Any special considerations?
- We don’t have a real sense of characters’ relative ages, but we’re sure that none so far are young enough to need special consideration.
Do some members have difficulty communicating? Any special considerations?
- Vera is the only one of us who has mastered our voice enough to use it off-the-cuff. If someone else wants to speak, or has more influence over the front (or if we’re just tired enough), then we may go quiet for long enough that you’ll notice. Vera will need to translate in those situations. Communication over text is easier, though that translation layer will still exist.
(a question about fronting that we’re co-opting for a different end)
- The idea of “fronting” is an odd one to try to apply to us, at least in the model that Vera has. A major reason we call ourselves “median” is that we tend to share a sort of monoconscious between us. Vera hasn’t experienced being “off-front” in a way that let her know that someone else was definitively running the show. Rose will sometimes surge up to influence the front, but it’s not distinctly felt as a separation of character, per se.
  
  The original question in this section was “what should people do if they don’t know who’s fronting”, to which the answer is, “don’t try to address the fronter, because that doesn’t apply here”.
Is it okay to ask to address a specific member?
- Depending on the situation, this may be difficult. For example, Rose is more of a “lens” than a distinct headmate, so attempting to address her specifically may not yield much. In general, we’re all sort of blend-y enough that it will take some effort to attempt to get any kind of response from anyone but Vera.
Are other system members aware of conversations that happen?
- Short answer, yes. We’re all co-conscious to the point that our memories form a sort of shared context among us. Characters may not be actively listening at any given moment - headspace is fairly limited, in that regard - but we can’t really hide information from each other like that.
Will other members want to “chime in” on a conversation?
- Sometimes, yes. Since Vera is used to mediating communication, though, she’ll likely filter any commentary from making it out, but it may still exist. If you would like to hear from the others, please let us know directly; this “filtering” habit is our default mechanism.
How “out” are you? What should people do when wanting to talk about systems things around people who don’t know?
- There are a few tiers of “outness” that we have:
  - In the innermost circle, we can actively talk about systems dynamics or characters. It’s quite difficult to vocalize this kind of discussion, so to make it to an in-person conversation or a video call requires a degree of trust in the other person. Right now, this circle just includes our therapist and our partner.
  - On the internet, we’re fine alluding to system dynamics, since most of the interactions we have online are parasocial or otherwise incidental. We can also link to sources for jargon or experiences, so it feels easier to talk about plural things on a high level. This is ultimately why we felt fine linking our “singletsona” account to our system accounts publicly.
  - In person, outside of the above contexts, it’s much harder to open up about being plural. This is mainly due to the difficulty and overhead of introducing context and jargon to people who are unfamiliar, and the need to translate our experience into more and more vague terms. This translation process is relatively tiring, so it’s easier to keep mum about plurality in general when we’re not in a space that shares that context.
  To answer the second half of the question: the easiest thing to do when around people who don’t know about plural things is to skip talking about it entirely. If the topic comes up, we’re fine talking about plurality in general, but would be self-conscious about owning up to our specific experience.
Are there communication difficulties or memory-sharing issues that people should know about?
- As mentioned above, we’re all fairly co-conscious with each other, so our memories are shared relatively easily. However, Vera has difficulties communicating directly with the rest of the system. (We need to work on this over time.) If we need to converse directly, we’ll need a quiet space so that outside stimulus doesn’t drown out our interaction.
How do you feel about being asked questions about your experience, or about plurality in general?
- Vera loves to teach and explain concepts, so if you catch us in a good mood, we will likely be able to describe things at length. It also depends on our comfort level with you specifically; see the above answer about “being out”.
Anything else you’d like to add?
- Our understanding evolves over time, and information about our system may grow stale after a while. Things like system composition, characters’ names/pronouns, or the nature of our headspace are generally in flux. It’s worth double-checking on some of these things if you’d like to talk to us about it.
Is there a website or FAQ for your system?
- You’re here! The site title at the top of the page is a link, and you can find more information on our “Q&A” page, also linked at the top.